I really hate myself, to the point of wanting to just kill myself so that I won't keep hurting him. Why do I keep repeating silly old mistakes? What the hell am I thinking or doing things or lying or hiding without even using my brain to think about it? I have such a nice boyfriend, the bestest one I can ever find in fact. And yet I screwed it up big time, over and over again. I do see the light now, and how I should change by not lying anymore, not hiding anymore, be more faithful in my actions and words. But they might all be too late. I've lost his trust. How idiotic am I not to cherish what I have. I don't think I can find another person whom I love so much and wanna actually settle down early and tie myself down early with. All these dreams I dream of for the future might be vanished. The word 'sorry' doesn't even help a single bit. No matter what happens and what he choose to do to our r/s, I will change. Watch me.

I will not fall into your trap ever again. Get the hell outta my life, you ruin things repeatedly. You're happy now? Fuck off.